Confessions of a SAHM

Being a stay-at-home-mom is the best and worst job imaginable. I mean, being able to stay home and raise my kids is great. I get to have an amazing relationship with them. I get to witness all their “firsts.” I am available to take them to all of their appointments. I know them better than anyone.

But, I also NEVER get to turn off and leave the office. They are always with me and touching me and annoying the ever-loving shit out of me.

Yesterday was Mother’s Day and I had an emotional breakdown in the evening because I just couldn’t get a single second without at least 1 kid climbing all over me, screaming/crying, or listening to me. Killian kept coming out of his room after I put him to bed, literally, 17 times!! Meanwhile, my husband is able to lie down on the couch and not get up for hours at a time because, in the mind of the kids, I am the only one in the house that can do anything.

So, I lost my shit and cried and hyperventilated while telling my husband about how I miss working because it was SO much easier than this and how I wish I could be like him and fall asleep on the couch, unbothered, while they paw all over him instead.

So, I am here to keep it real. These are MY confessions about being a stay-at-home-mom.

  1. The car crash fantasy. Have you seen Bad Moms? If you haven’t, do yourself a favor and watch it. There is a scene where Kristen Bell’s character describes how she fantasizes about being in a car crash just so she can get some peace and quite away from her kids in the hospital. I have had that exact same fantasy. Not because I am depressed or suicidal, but because the idea of having a legitimate reason for HAVING to be away from my boys and having people cook for me, bring me the food, sleeping whenever I want, people coming to check on me to see if I’m ok, just sounds so nice.
  2. Running away from home. As a kid, did you ever run away from home? I did once. I went a mile or so down the road to my grandpa’s, even though I didn’t like him. I was mad at my parents and brother and wanted away. Yesterday, I thought about just getting in the car and leaving without saying a word to my family. Not for good, but for as long as I could. Even if just for a night.
  3. Selling the kids. I mean, who hasn’t right? Don’t even have to post a description, just a picture of their cute face. That is why God made them cute right??See the source image
  4. Flipping off the kids. When my son is being an asshole, I have flipped him off behind his back. At least I did it when he wasn’t looking, so there’s that. I have no shame in admitting it.
  5. Name-calling. As stated above, I call my kids assholes. They don’t hear me and I don’t say it to their faces. But when they are being absolute terrors, I will text my husband or a friend and let them know that the kids are being assholes or shitheads.
  6. I drink. I always say, “Thank God for alcohol!” I have a bottle of silver tequila that gets put into the freezer on super awful days and there is always a bottle of wine in my fridge. My husband pointed out to me that I don’t drink that often, to which I replied, “Yes, but I like that I have the option to.” I have no clue how moms survive in the Middle East where caffeine and alcohol are illegal. Just knowing that I have the option to drink is a gift. And no coffee?! Kill me now!
  7. Locking the bathroom door. I often have to run to the bathroom and lock the door so that I can shit without tiny eyes staring at me or destroying the bathroom while I am compromised. I will take my phone with me and scroll Facebook or read on my Kindle app while they scream or cry or yell at me about having the door locked. Eventually they leave and go do something else or try to kill each other but for a few minutes I will just sit there even though I am done, and it’s quiet.
  8. Online community. Most of my friends are moms who I have met on Facebook groups. Hell, most of them are from a group based off of the movie Bad Moms and we get together and drink and sometimes bitch about our kids and/or significant others. We all know that they are well-loved and cared for by us, but we also recognize that being a mom is hard work. Some are SAHMs (stay-at-home-mom) or working moms or WAHMs (work-at-home-mom). But we all have something in common. We like to drink and cuss and we have no problem with calling it like it is by saying our kids can be assholes. We support each other and we let each other vent in a safe zone. Also, it’s really hard to get out of the house with kids sometimes or to even make friends with other moms. Whether it be social-anxiety, the mom cliques, or maybe you’re like me and your kid isn’t always the nicest in how he reacts to people. Making friends online is easier.
  9. I am not perfect. Does this one really need to be explained? Try as I might, I am not the Pintrest worthy, Stepford Wife, lasso wielding mom that I wish I was. My house is always messy, I wash my hair once a week, and some mornings I let my kids eat goldfish crackers and mac-n-cheese for breakfast so I don’t have to cook anything. I remember when I would fantasize about being the perfect mom and wife who always made lunch for my husband, kept a clean house, did fun craft projects with the kids all the time, and was happy and cheery all day long. Let’s all take a minute to laugh at that, shall we? Sorry hubby, but I rarely make him a lunch for work anymore. My house only knows how to look like an A-Bomb went off in it. And I am the least crafty person on the face of the planet.

 

Now, I am by no means discrediting those working parents who also come home and have lots of cooking and cleaning and parenting things to do. All I am saying is that I am jealous of your ability to leave the house and go to work with other adults and not have your kids climbing all over you 24/7. When I was teaching and running the after-school program, it was SO much easier than the job I have now as a SAHM. The emotional exhaustion that comes with being home all day with your own kids is extremely overwhelming. More so than the physical exhaustion of running around all day chasing the kids and picking up the same thing 8,000 times that day. I never get to leave the office or clock out to get away from that super annoying coworker. I envy your rush hour commute without a screaming toddler and child with an auditory stim.

Basically, what it all comes down to is this. Momming seriously sucks sometimes. And though I may not be the best mom for calling my kids names, threatening to sell them to the highest bidder, or even fantasizing about wrapping my car around a tree, I will ALWAYS love my boys. Even though it can be really hard, I am very grateful that I am able to stay home and raise them. They drive me absolutely bonkers, but I wouldn’t trade my life with them for anything. No matter how much I hate being a stay-at-home-mom, I also love being a stay-at-home-mom.

-The Lazy Mama

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